Depression, Suicide, and a Confession

Been a while since I have posted. On January 18 I started dating a girl name Briana. I loved her with all my heart. She had been through a lot but still was so innocent and sweet. She is 13 and I am 16 so her dad didn't approve too much but he still liked me somewhat. Anyways she broke up with me today on January 26. Said that she thought I was using her and was cheating on her. I am a teenager going through puberty so of course I want sex but I loved her too much to hurt her like that. Never cheated on her I would've hated myself if I did that. She wanted to wait until marriage which was fine with me all I wanted from her was love.

I think she thought I was using her because on two occasions I stuck her hand down her shirt. Both times she laid my hand there so I thought she wanted me too. We are both virgins and I wanted to keep it that way. I think I am too nice which probably made me seem as if I was pretending in order to get in her pants. Which is untrue of course.

I have been depressed a lot lately. She made me feel happy. I have contemplated suicide many times but never had the guts to do so. However I'm starting to feel the depression coming back. I hate being depressed because it makes me desperate. Using it as an excuse to do things I wouldn't normally do.

I need to get a couple things off my chest. First of all I smoke cigarettes. I am not proud of it but I do. My dad is slowly cutting my cigarette supply off though which is a good thing I guess. I also do drugs. I smoke marijuana a lot but I have also snorted pills on two occasions. I drink occasionally also. I don't go to school anymore dropped out about a month ago.

I think people aren't watching my video much anymore. Posted a collab but no one has came through yet. Might stop making videos but I don't know. My camera that John gave me broke about a week ago. Dropped it and it worked fine but a couple days later the screen stopped working. I can still use it I just can't see what I am doing which is a major pain in the ass. Also the mic on my webcam mysteriously stopped working. Maybe it is a sign for me to stop.

I got pictures of Briana on my myspace at myspace.com/kenki if you want to see her.

Whew got a lot of my chest and I feel better now.

~Dylan